Well it is now Monday again. Monday of a week where I once again have to work Saturday. It's already a bad week.

For two weeks I haven't gone running with Eyrin. Any weight I lost while running I've gained back and then some. I just want to give it up I'm never going to be skinny.

At least they have started clearing the gravel off the sidewalks and roads so now I can go roller blading. Although I learned last year that roller blading doesn't do much for me weight-wise. When I was younger it used to now it just seems to allow me to stay the same. I guess that's better than gaining weight. I just wish I had someone to go roller blading with.

I talked to Karen the other day about how I felt about my life and the state of it. As usual it didn't help and it left me wondering why I bother. The only thing I realized out of it is that no one can help me. Their solutions are just that - their solutions and won't work for me.


Eyrin's solution was to start running. It gave her the confidence to keep going because she was accomplishing something because she lost all the weight she had gained.

Karen's solution was to go back to school. That has made her feel better about herself. She's enjoying what she's doing and she'll have a better paying job at the end of it.

I don't know what my solution is. I don't even know where to start. I keep trying to fit myself into all these molds. Molds I never seem to fit in. Always someone else's molds. Someone else's expectations. But that's the way the world works. When you have a job you have to fit yourself into the mold of your employer. I just don't understand why I don't fit any of their molds. What is so wrong with me?

I feel so alone and yet I'm surrounded by people. Go figure.

This week-end all I wanted was to have a relaxing week-end. Go to the movies or hang out with friends. As usual there were no friends to hang out with. I have so few friends that they are always inevitably busy with something or someone else.

I'm in trouble in every way and I feel myself spiralling towards the bottom of this barrel. I can't stop it and I can't fix it.